update on wanting to die
oh emptiness, tell me 'bout your nature
maybe i've been getting you wrong
i'm aware that a lot of my suicidality comes from the following:
- not having secure housing
- lack of safety net
- troubled past
- CPTSD + depression
- low self esteem
- extremely
but now that i've met the bare bones of my material conditions (a better safety net, a really happy loving relationship and finally having secure housing), i'm realising the gaping hole in my heart is still going to be there.
still suicidally depressed but i don't think that ever goes. i decided a while ago i'd stay alive and live my life in a certain way that makes life meaningful and fulfilling but that doesn't really stop wanting to die. that just means i do everything i can to make sure others don't. that i have to contribute towards a better world because that is the best use of my time in this dunya and just enjoy whatever else is worth caring about (my loved ones). but at the end of the day, i see the self-sabotage. i see the wirings of the past and the biology it altered and it ensures that i am always a work in progress.
because while i don't fall onto the rock anymore when i'm at my lowest, i'm still falling.
this might always affect my life. it seeps into my worldviews, the way i carry myself, the way stillness feels, what the art i enjoy means and what brings me to tears. my psyche, my subconscious, my reflexes and my heart.
when this is most of your life, you can only hope that time can heal whatever you can't treat yourself. life's good and i hope i don't want to die someday.